ThOuGhTs

it's been a couple of months since my last blog and it's been tiring..
i don't know why but even w/ just thinking i get tired...
grumpy, irritable, and sometimes unreasonable.... moods that you can see in me often...
there's just gonna be 1 more chemo cycle and hopefully we're done w/ the treatment..
yipee!!!! i'm happy that somehow everything looks like it is going to go back to "almost" normal soon.... yet with the ending of this hurdle, another worry is knocking at my door...
whatever discussions about my future is going to be put in motion again... the truce is going to be lifted and i'm gonna need to be battle-ready again...
i know i am being selfish and stubborn... you might even think that i am overreacting and blowing it out of proportions... but for me right NOW, i am fighting to have the freedom to decide on what to do w/ myself... i don't wanna go home... i don't see how i am gonna make a living there.... i don't want to be told what to do.. i don't want to have to argue everyday... i don't even want to listen to bickering every day.... i don't want to fight w/ people that i love... i am tired of tiptoeing around them... i don't want to take care of other people and everything by myself... i'm not ready to be THAT responsible and kind yet... i am still learning to take care of myself and still at the stage of exploring the world... i have not seen much of the outside yet but i am already expected to go home????... it feels so unfair... i wrote NOW in caps because i know later when i am already satisfied with what i have seen outside, I CAN and I WILL do it willingly... i know i will be going back home... all i am asking is for now... please let me grow and please let me be...