My oPiNioN

you see the world in rose-tinted glasses...

you feel light and ready to give love and kindness to everyone around you..

you are happy and almost always smiling....

that is how it is to be so in love right?????

now in the bliss of happiness where does jealousy come in?

to feel that tiny twinge of pain every time somebody makes the goo-goo eyes on your beloved...

or everytime your beloved makes the goo-goo eyes on someone?

a sign of insecurity???? YES.... controllable??? YES...

but still it is there...

i guess you can say it's natural for us humans to feel it...

i really don't think that there is such a person who does not feel that tiny twinge...

however tiny it is...

i myself feel those bites... bites from reality...

but i accept it.. that i encounter jealousy every now and then....

i don't deny and hide from it..

am i insecure then?... we all have our own insecurities...

we can only limit them and minimize them until it almost no longer exists...

or we can delude ourselves that it is nonexistent....

but to be totally free of it????? i doubt...

so being in love... it's normal to have even a little bit of jealousy...

but jealousy although is the most common yet is not always the root of clashes....

i daresay i can feel anger at somebody just because i don't like the situation...

but it doesn't mean i am jealouse of that particular person....

nor i am insecure.... it is just i don't like the situation... is that not enough?

do i have to be overflowing with insecurity for me to say i don't like the situation????

this is my opinion... like it or not... laugh at me even.. but THIS IS ME...

and i am not going to concede any time soon...

FeMiNiNe and MaScULine????????????

What can I say????? bwahahahaha..

FiRsTs

FIRSTs are very special...

->First time to walk

------> First time to talk

-----------> First time to go to school

---------------> First time to make friends

-------------------> First time to have a crush

----------------------->First time to date
-------------------------->First time to kiss
----------------------------->First time to fail at something

-----------> so on... and ... so forth

.......... a lot of Firsts that happens in our lives that somehow can never be replaced and sometimes are hard to forget.... and for me, one of the reasons why they are so special is because they are the first step in "change". The truest only constant thing in our lives...

...... Through our "Firsts" we learn and we grow...

Every Firsts has a catalyst...and every Firsts is more memorable when you have somebody to share it with...

.. so to all the people whom I shared my Firsts with and who shared their Firsts with me.....

THANK YOU VERY MUCH

for making my life more colorful!!!!

HiTcHed!!!!!

Another one of us got hitched last July (I know it's bit late just posting this now.... but what can I do... I'm the one-second-delay member of the group.. so here I am... late reaction as usual.... hehehe..)!!!!

so.... back to the topic...

Was just thinking that getting hitched is the major step after building a career, for most of us.. another challenge after experiencing how it feels to earn your own money and survive... so after a hard day @ work... you'll have someone to run to.. someone to share.. someone to take the load off your shoulders... as well as contribute to the challenges of our lives.... spicing up our world so to speak...

... I never thought that Cuzin D would be the next one to walk up the isle.. but lo and behold.. you really never can tell... so the question is.... who's next on the line.... a mystery and a surprise i'll bet..

Me WriTiNg

Lately I've been thinking why I only usually write stuff when I'M sad, lonely, hurt, or feeling some kind of bittersweet happiness.... hhhmmm.. maybe because when I'm happy I'd rather spend time with whatever or whoever is making me happy than spend time writing about it.... I'd rather be busy storing memories in my head.. trying to memorize every little detail... but when feeling down and gloomy... I guess I try to let out through my pen and paper.... that, somehow, I'm letting it flow from my head and out of my system....

A Glimpse of Hope....

...... I really don't care if it's just a brief connection and not a happily ever after kind of a reconciliation...... what matters to me is that after 4months of silence and missing you... you finally said that you miss me too...

..... the only thing that i can say is thank you because even through the silence you still remember me.. that even through the non-communication I think I still have a spot in your life... thanks a lot friend for making me happy and brightening up my day....

.. I wish you all the luck! and please take good care of yourself because even though I don't see you.. I still care for you my friend...

I'll be here waiting...

... I could not understand why you had to detach... you even deleted your connection to us... i know you had tried it before but it was not as bad as now... i tried to ignore the hurt... tried to understand... tried to let you be... I even tried giving up but your too valuable for me to let go... I just can't throw away our seven years of friendship... so I've decided to let you go your own path as you wish... even through the silence I will still be your friend... so whenever you decide to come back, I will be here waiting.. just like before....

JuSt a Thought

Maybe I'm just drunk... maybe I'm not... It's my day off and we just had a couple of rounds... I felt my world spin earlier and stopped... then I had to keep myself awake to wait for my siblings to come home... my nephew is playing and the two friends who are with me already fell asleep... I was browsing through some of my friends' blogs and got to read about long distance relationships....
hhhmmm... "it takes two to tango"yeah I agree... but it's not just with long distance relationships.. Even if it's not a long distance relationship you and your partner should be willing to make ago for it.. to believe in each other.. to believe that it will work... 'coz if you don't, who will?
I'm not an expert on this kind of things... I don't even have the kind of experience to back me up...but hey.. it does not take a genius to figure out that to make things work.. both of you have to be willing to work for it even if you have to do it in different ways...

Gotta go now.. siblings are here... 'til next time then..

SeTtLiNg In.........

hhhmmm... okay time for another UPDATE....

I've been working here for a month now.... to be specific... a month and 10days.... hehehe... and I've been w/ the SERVICE TEAM for almost the whole time.... My First job description was as an Administrative Assistant but now I have evolved to Service Personnel major in Installation.. hehehe...

During the first days here at work I used to bug my SUP/TL to hand me something to do.. the only antogonist I had was Mr. Sleep.... and so I was asked to give a hand at inventory... then next i was the back-up of the current back-up personnel in the service team... so relaxed... no pressure... always had time to check my mails then.... but now????? i'm up to my elbows w/ installation scheduling... mind you, i'm not whining... it's actually fun... filling up schedules w/ work orders, tracing routes and trying to juggle 5-7 technicians a day... and what makes it more challenging?????? our counterpart who's handing me what job to do is in California and he's up to his elbows w/ his own stuff as well... whew!!!! imagine that!!! i guess it's time to put my being an OC into good use....

perks? -good humored people to talk w/ both here in the office and at our main office in Fresno as well as after working hours...

by the way.. if i get silent and you're wondering what's up w/ me.. just poke me in the ribs... i might be drowning w/ work already.. hehehe...

MisSinG YoU...

.....We have been together for a couple of years now and the bond that we have, I could proudly say, is strong... Our friendship is real!.. I still remember the oath we took that no matter what, we will still remain friends... and still it remains in my heart even if tears fall from my eyes a lot...

..... Lately.. you don't speak to me.. you avoid meeting up w/ me... I tried to run after you.... but the more you run away.... it makes my heart ache when i think about it... you may not believe me... but the thought of you detaching is painful.... it's like looking at a clear blue sky that has but one dark cloud.. however way you look at it.. you can't deny the presence of that dark cloud...

..... I wish I can take away the clouds so that I can have a clear view of you.... but I can't... because that cloud is as much part of my sky as the sun... I need it because it brings me the promise of RAIN....which wipes away my thirst when I'm parched......

..... I need both the SUN and the RAIN to survive... I CAN'T CHOOSE ONLY ONE...

..... why am I writing this????? because I also can't deny that I MISS YOU MUCH FRIEND!!!!

Making You Cry....

.....Everytime I see you stare into space I don't know what to feel... somehow I get the feeling that something is bothering you, yet when I ask you outright you always say that you are okay.. whenever I ask you what you are thinking you say "wala lang".. sometimes I can accept that but there are times that I can't.... You thinking and staring into space with that sad kind of look in your face worries me.. it's not that I want to know everything you do or think.. that I want to invade your entire space... I know that even I have my own secrets that I can't tell you eventhough we are very close... It's just that it bothers me too when I know something is bothering you.. I want to understand... 'coz I care for you much..

.....Now, you try to hide it.. Not letting me catch you stare at the ceiling.. closing your eyes and making me think that you are already sleeping... yet I know that your mind is still running... embracing whatever you are feeling to yourself.... i have to let you be... .....You taught me how to slowly release my pain... to let go most, if not all, of my bottled up frustrations and emotions..... shaking up the walls that I created around me... and now looking at your troubled face........ I can't help but try to share the load that you are carrying on your shoulders... just like the time that you did that for me...

.....I am not a very patient person when rubbed the wrong way.. sarcasm and a bit of derision seeps into the act... those around me can attest to that...... Sometimes I try to ferret out the information from you... and almost always i blow my top and make you cry.... making you feel guilty eventhough I was the one who started it... .....I'm sorry for making you feel guilty.. I'm sorry for making you cry... I guess all I can do now is to wait for you to open up to me.. and waiting is not one of my strongest points... but what else can I do????

.....I just want to see you smile again... to see laughter in your eyes again.... I really wish I can...

mE, BoRa, AND mY nEW jOB

It's been 14 days since Feb. 15, 2008... and it's just now that i have the time to write what happened since then....

To start off... we've been planning a Bora trip since last year... bought our airline tickets months ahead as well as paid for our accomodation... and then came feb. 14! Valentines Day! My Mom's birthday! A day just before our long awaited flight to Boracay - the summer getaway.... schedules were already finalized.. bags already packed... roommates already planned... then i received a call from Karel... informing me that i have been scheduled for a job interview 8am on Feb 15 and for what job position???? she does not have any idea... waaaaahhhhh.. but at least it's in the morning so i can still squeeze it in my almost airtight sched... now comes the jittery part... TO GO or NOT TO GO to the interview... hmmm... naaahhhh... too good a chance to pass up even if i don't know what job position i'm vying for... so, decided... i went ahead w/ the job interview... w/ palms as cold as ice... and heartbeat as fast as a train... MY NORMAL JITTERY SELF... after i was interviewed, i was then asked to report on Monday! wow! what a surprise! I now have a new job!!!! but i didn't have the time to let the good news sink in... had to pick up a friend and dash to the airport to catch the flight for Bora....

BORA!!!! HAD A BLAST!!! fine white sand and clean beach.... cool waters and rumbling waves... good food -amazing creppes.... banana boat ride.... and a very nice view... it was worth it!!!

NEW JOB!!! -waaayyyyy lesser stress.... so far... nice environment... isa ra jud ang kontra... duka!!!! since night shift man nga work.... coffee addict lang japon ko.... as well as OC.. and i'm hopefull that i'll be staying long here...

... and i'm happy that at last i'm pulling my career back on track...

Pinched

...........everytime i talk to him i feel light and bubbly... even if the words that we are sharing draw tears to my eyes.. it may be tears of happiness.. it may be tears of sadness.. but still, i have this warm feeling inside.. the notion that somebody cares for me.. and i get the feeling of security and contentment.. i know where i stand.. and he's teaching me to see my worth and to love myself.. so i know deep in me, that i am special to him... i'm grateful and happy.. yet even though i have this knowledge... every time i see him give attention to somebody else... give time to somebody else... i get a little pinch.. a pinch that elicits scattered thoughts.. man! i don't know what i'm feeling... i don't understand it.. i don't know how to react... and i don't know what to do with it.. i just know that there's that little pinch...
.......................sh@#$!!! and slowly i realized that this is what they call JEALOUSY...

A QUIP ON LONELINESS

.....Loneliness is such a difficult enemy... you wouldn't know when it will attack... it kinda just sneaks up on you and bite you when all your guard is down... even if you are surrounded by people, there are still times that you wouldn't even feel their comfort... there's just this chill that won't be shaken off no matter how much you try... it feels like your heart is being crumpled and you are drowning in your own misery....

Good Point!

"Sometimes, fate has a cruel way of putting things together. Maybe it's better if people just give up when there's no point in fighting for something anymore. When the ship has finally sailed, only a fool would go after it when it’s already miles away. But sometimes, it’s a lot better to be a fool to go after what we want & need, rather than to regret everything in the end because we never even tried..." -Capt. Jack Sparrow

Taking Stock

2008 -> Year of the RAT with the lucky color green - signifying a new beginning, a fresh start of the cycle... what an apt time for me to establish a new me... but before that I think I'm gonna need to take stock of my own self....

hhmmmm... I know for a fact that I'm not as uptight as before.. I can even sometimes say nga latagaw nakog utok... hehehe.. i guess it's my turn now to have that kind of description labeled on me... but sometimes... somehow... with my being latagaw og utok I find peace and contentment.. sometimes ra pud coz there are times that my choleric self aserts itself and I get impatient when thoughts of stagnating come into my mind and I know that I still have a lot of things to finish and accomplish.. but eventhough it seems that latagaw nkog utok I know that I still have my brain inside this head of mine... I may not be able to answer your questions right now or my answers may not be what you would have expected me to give out... but rest assured that the stuff that makes me who I am underneath is still intact...

My First

Yeeepeee!!!! I now have my own blogspot courtesy of Kai!!! Thanks a bunch Kai!! mwahhh...

Hmmm.. This would be my first and now I don't know what to write yet... I haven't slept and it's already the wee hours of the morning... c'mon brain.. work!!! hehehe